Humiliated doesn’t even begin to describe it. I can’t even write without bursting into tears. I never thought or had the slightest I inkling that I could become so unglued over someone again. I have given every last bit of me to the one person I believed in. The one person who I believed, in my heart of hearts, deserve it. But I have nothing left. I wish I could say that last night was the final straw. That today was the pivotal and fated day where everything changed. That today my feelings burnt out, but thats not true. It’s amazing how we let those we love most destroy us and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’d rather let him tear me apart than give up. I don’t think I’ll ever walk away. In fact that’s just something I’ve come to accept. What I’m most afraid of is losing everything I’ve worked to become over these last five years. My independence has flown out the window along with my dignity and I’m a shell of a girl I used to know. I’m a ninny. A fool. A joke- in poor taste and bad timing.
#beautiful #sunday #morning with my @xelijah666 #veggies #love (Taken with Instagram at Historic Main Street Garden Grove)
The first time I saw him with my real eyes I leaned into him in the way that he hates and suffocated in his skin. He turned away and pressed his face into my pillows; I was jealous of them. There was poetry written in his freckles and I wanted to read every last word. All I wanted was to be consumed in his hot blooded kiss. All I wanted was to be his.
“And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you” #happy #eyes (Taken with instagram)
There’s something strange about the way you left this hole in the history of how I came to be. Like the day you left somehow made it as though you were never here. There’s no proof of you now. Those pieces of ourselves we exchanged all those years ago are gone and if I try to explain you to anyone they don’t understand. I could try and show them what you gave me in an honest attempt at explaining what we were, but it never comes out right. Its always just a little bit off and enough for them not to really see the miracle that was ours. There was always a part of me that only came out with you in the darkest hours just before dawn when we were up to our usual mischief, making an earnest attempt to fill each others little gaps. I like to think that at some point it was the same for you. Maybe it never was, and maybe it never could be, but for what its worth you really changed me. For all the things that happened, good and bad, I really just want to say thanks. It feels like my life is about to change and for the first time ever I really think we’ll never see each other again. I’m not sad about it- In fact all I feel is gratitude. I’m thankful for all the moments I shared with you. I had some of my best and some of my worst with you and I wouldn’t change a single thing. I grew in ways that I never knew I could or would. Anyway, I’m just rambling now so I’ll end it quickly. I wish you the best, you deserve nothing less, and I know you’ll be great. Take care of yourself.
Jaymay is too good.
I’ve been filling my linens and lungs with the smell of your skin. Counting your freckles and counting my sins. You’re more than I deserve, more than I’ve earned. Now I know better so I’ll let you stay. I think I’ve finally learned to keep instead of pushing away.